Work keeps you busyIt’s easier to work than to think and to search for the truth. Work keeps you busy in illusions. You have to make a living, to earn money, to pay bills, you don’t have time for spiritual nonsense, you are too busy with your dreamed reality and real delusions.

The truth doesn’t pay bills, doesn’t put food on the table, doesn’t buy clothes or medicine or cinema tickets.

Spirituality, truth, enlightenment seems to be a luxury which only the lazy ones or the rich ones can afford. If that’s so, I wonder why so many TV stars commit suicide when they seem to have it all, all that us, ordinary people, want: money, success, fame… isn’t that supposed to be enough?

“I wish everyone could experience being rich and famous, so they’d see it wasn’t the answer to anything” – Jim Carey

It was easier for me to believe what others considered as truth than to think for myself and find and live my own truth because I was afraid of being rejected. It was easier for me to trust general truth than personal truth. If everybody (everybody I know) say fluoride toothpaste is good then it probably is. If they say milk gives me calcium it probably does. If they say meat is necessary for my body, that is true. If they say I have to be a good girl, polite, I shouldn’t talk back, I should say what others want to hear in order to be accepted and to be loved and to be happy, then that is true no question about it, because they know better, they are older, smarter with much life experience than I and most of all they want the best for me. I am free to do as they tell me… until I don’t do it anymore. Too much lies, dreams and illusions woke me up from too much lies dreams and illusions. All the people that loved me and wanted the best for me they didn’t lied to me, they told me the truth, their truth as somebody else told them their truth and so on.

Yesterday I met with a friend, a former work colleague, who told me she doesn’t like her job, she told me about her stupid boss, targets, deadlines, prices, projects etc. When she finished her stories she turned towards me:

– Tell me about you, how are you?

– I’m… ok (I didn’t want to say great because she just finished complaining for an hour or so)

– You don’t have a job for about…hmm a year, right? (she asks)

– (oh noooooo not the “what are you going to do with your life” conversation) Two years, hey would you like to go to H&M? It’s nearby and I’ve heard they have huge discounts! (oh dear God I’m sorry a doubted you, if you really exist now it’s the time to show up by making her to shout up or to change the subject or go to H&M… you choose)

– Wow, two years without a job…listen, I have a friend who has a friend who works at bla bla bla and they have a free position on bla bla bla, I can send her your CV if you want to!

– No, it’s ok, thank you, have you seen Django Unchained, it’s my favorite Quentin Tarantino movie it’s really funny and bloody and stuff!

– No I haven’t, are you sure you don’t want me to send my friend your CV?

– Yes I am sure! (thank you for nothing God…)

– Cris, seriously, tell me the truth, don’t you want to work and earn money anymore?

– (my mind starts to quote Jack Nicholson’s character from “A few good men” – “You can’t handle the truth!!!!!”, or was it Al Pacino in “Scent of a women”?! Aaaaanyway she wants the truth so let’s give her the truth. The truth is I don’t know.

– What are you doing all day long?

– I am living

– Don’t you get bored sometimes? (she is not hearing me, she hears what she wants to hear)

– Hmmm not really, to tell you the truth when I had a job, I used to get bored easily actually I was bored from 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. and now that living it’s a full time job I don’t have time to get bored.

– Come on Cris, I’m being serious (as if I wasn’t) your savings will end at some point, (wooow I didn’t knew that) your boyfriend won’t earn money for both of you (she must be a psychic that can tell the future) what will you do then, what will you do with your life? (she asks with concern mixed withe pity in her voice for poor little Cris  which soon will have no money, no job, no security, no life purpose, nothing tha worth living for-in her opinion, only life)

– I guess I shall wait and see

– You are being childish (she says visible affected because the conversation didn’t get the way she wanted to)

– I read something cool on someone’s wall on facebook, it was something like “Some people are so poor, all they have is money” (I say with a smile)

– Yeah whatever let’s go to H&M

I used to have a job, I used to be concerned about the future and I got cancer, now I don’t have cancer anymore, I’m not concerned about the future, whatever will be will be as the song goes. I don’t have a job right now, I don’t exclude the possibility of me having a job in the future, I’m not rich, I’m not poor, I’m me… but what I really want to be is an yellow butterfly :-)